Chinese Sick Day
Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex. That makes everything better and I go to work.. You try that.
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel great.. I be at work soon.........You got nice house'
No Chocolate
A woman walks into an ice cream shop and asks for a cone of
chocolate ice cream. The counter guy says "I'm very sorry ma'am, but we
ran out of chocolate earlier today--can I get you any other flavor?" She
thinks about it a while, and says "OK, then I guess I'll have
chocolate."
He says "Oh I'm really sorry about this, but as I said before, we are out
of chocolate right now; check out the menu, and see if there are any other
flavors besides chocolate that I could get for you." She looks at the menu
for a long time, checking out each of the options, and finally says "you
know, maybe I'll have chocolate."
The counter guy is frustrated now and he says "do you like word
games?" She nods "yes", so he says "let's play a game here.
You know how sometimes a short word is contained inside a longer word? Like for
example, you see the v-a-n, 'van' in vanilla?" She says "yes, I see
it." He goes on: "how about the 'straw' in strawberry?" She
excitedly answers "yes, I see that one too!" So he says "great,
and do you see the 'fuck' in chocolate?"
She frowns and says "there's no 'fuck' in chocolate!"
He says “That’s what I’m trying to tell you. There’s no fuckin’ chocolate.”
Best Catholic Joke
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" stomach, and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."
You're Too Old to Play in a Band When…..
1. You've been playing classic rock since before it was classic
2. You refuse to play without wearing earplugs
3. You don't need ear protection any more because you have so much damn hair growing in your ears
4. It's more important to find a place on stage for your fan than your amp
5. When AARP sponsors your tour
6. You begin too many sentences with "Back in the day..."
7. Your waist size is equal to your age
8. You have more chins than a Chinese phonebook
9. Instead of adding another member, your band wants to hire a roadie
10. You need your glasses and a flashlight to see the amp settings
11. You own a bass, amp, or any other band equipment that is older than your kids
12. If you play any cover songs from the 90’s and refer to them as “new”
13. Your fans leave early because the music is “too damn loud”
14. You have to print your setlists and lyric sheets with an increasing bigger font so your band members can read them without their reading glasses
15. You can’t remember where you left your setlists and lyric sheets, so you just make them up
16. When you drop a pick, you just leave it on the floor because it’s too hard to bend over and pick it back up
17. You have to take a vacation day from your day job if you have a Friday night gig
18. Your kids look at your setlist and have never heard of any song on it (“Who the hell is Led Zeppelin?”)
19. Roadies take priority over groupies
20. The groupies call you “Sir”
21. You pick your shoes for comfort, not style
22. You find your drink tokens from last month's gig in your guitar case
23. You don't recover from the gig until Tuesday afternoon
24. Your typical normal bedtime is earlier than when most of your shows even start
25. You buy amps because of their weight, not their tone or cool factor
26. You can remember at least seven different club names for the same location
27. You feel guilty looking at hot women at the bar since they're younger than your daughter
28. "Does she have a sister?' has become "Is her Mom hot?"
29. You bring along Viagra in case it looks like you might get lucky
30. The Viva Viagra commercial song is your bands opening tune
31. They quit making your equipment 30 yrs ago
32. You keep thinking about how much your gig rig is worth on the Vintage market
33. When asked the question "Boxers or briefs?" you respond- "Depends."
34. You have to stop in the middle of a set to go pee
35. When your knees pop it's louder than the snare drum
36. The drugs you have stashed are now prescription and legal
37. You hire a 45 year old in the band to appeal to a younger audience
38. Your show bling has your doctor’s phone number on it
39. When your strings are older than other band members
40. Your "glaucoma medicine" is an eye-drop
41. You start thinking that the essential requirements for laying down a good groove include Geritol, Tylenol, and bifocals
42. There is a bottle of Geritol sitting next to your amp instead of a bottle of beer
43. You stop the set because your ibuprofen fell behind the speakers
44. Your drugs are now keeping you alive instead of killing you
45. Your idea of a “Cougar” has a wheel-mounted oxygen tank or is a car
46. The ramp up to the stage is for the band, not the equipment
47. When you need a handrail to get on and off the stage
48. All your fans get up and leave by 9:30 p.m
49. You've thrown out your back jumping off the stage
50. Most of your crowd just sits and sways in their seats.
51. You ask the club owner if you can start at 8:30 instead of 9:30
52. You say things to younger band members like “You missed the golden age of groupies (pre AIDS)" or "Do we need to play this loud?"
53. You won't do club gigs anymore because that would mean driving at night
54. The colored lights do funny things to your age spots
55. You don't understand why anyone would need "all that". ("All that" of course being any amp with more than 300W and/or a cabinet with more than two 10 inch drivers)
56. If your doing an outdoor gig, and the audience shows up, and you yell at them to get off the lawn
57. When you walk over to your drummer in between songs demanding that he "turn down that infernal racket!"
58. Finger plucking the string sounds like a pick because of your arthritis.
59. You use your Social Security retirement check to buy new band equipment
60. 60 seconds after you ask "What's on the set list?" you ask "What's on the set list??"
61. The vibrations from your amp makes your PolyGrip come loose
62. You start to sing and your dentures fall out
63. The music becomes escapism to get away from your soul sucking job
64. You are a drummer and have play standing all night because of your hemorrhoids.
65. Cocaine has been replaced by Rogaine
66. You’ve heard one of your own songs while riding in an elevator
67. And last but not least, You make up lists about being too old
Poor Old Man
An old man is sitting on a park bench crying. A young man is walking by and asks him why he's crying. The old man says, "I'm retired and I have lots of money, a huge luxury apartment, a beautiful 25 year old wife who loves me and has sex with me twice a day"
The young man says, "Well then why the hell are you crying!?"
The old man replies, "I can't remember where I live!"
Shirts Off
A woman sat on a plane heading for New York, when the pilot announces that because of difficulties with the plane's engines, he must make an emergency landing.
The woman, fearing that this may be the end of her life looks over to a man sitting next to her and rips her shirt and bra off, and throws herself on him. "Make me feel like a woman again!" she screamed.
So the man rips his shirt off and hands it to her. "Iron this."
Choking
One day at a local buffet, a man suddenly called out, "My son is choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!" A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy's balls and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.
"Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a paramedic?"
"No," replied the man, "I work for the IRS."
The Shiny-Walled Box Thingie
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"
The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.
The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."
Vat Vas Dat Agin?
Helga was hang the wash out to dry, and then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning.
''Gootness, iss hot,'' she mused to herself as the sun beat down on her. She passed by a tavern and said, ''Vy nought?'' So she walked into the air conditioning and took a seat at the bar.
"Bartender," she said. "I vill have unt cold beer, please.''
The bartender asked, ''Anheuser Busch?''
''Vell, fine, tanks," she said, "Just unt leetle svetty.''
Words of Wisdom
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, For I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much Leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a Leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your Neighbor''s newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be Promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of your payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
5 Rules of a Happy Man
1. Get a woman who helps at home, cooks and cleans up.
2. Get a woman who can make you smile and laugh.
3. Get a woman who you can trust and who does not lie to you.
4. Get a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It is very, very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
Words of Wisdom on Practicing
“You always have to practice,” he says backstage in Chicago, where for the past hour he’s been running exercises from one of his favorite bass-clef exercise books. “You expect someone to pay money to see you perform, and you haven’t practiced? Would you get on a plane with a pilot who hasn’t trained? Here, you need your gall bladder removed? I’ve never used a scalpel, but I know how a knife works. Lie down—I’ll cut it out and save you 15 grand.”
-Jeff Berlin (Interview in Bass Player magazine May 2007)
Life with the Clintons
Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious - here she is in the middle of her first run for president, and as Senator of New York this has happened to her.
She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming. “How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault! Your fault! Well, what have you got to say?”
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.
She screams again, “Did you hear me?”
Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, “Who is this?”
Lewis Black
MTV is to music what KFC is to chicken
Music goes in your ear and you get a vision. It's like a drug really. If you watch a music video on MTV, and the video is the vision that you had, kill yourself!
Rodney Dangerfield
The other day, my wife met me at the door in a sexy nightgown. The trouble is, she was coming home.
I asked the cab driver to take me where I could get some action. He took me to my house.
The other day, I saw a guy jogging naked. I asked him why and he said "Because you came home early"
My wife isn't too smart. The second time she got pregnant, she thought we had to get married again.
My wife got 18 out of 20 on her driving test. Two guys jumped out of the way.
When I was a kid, we were poor. My rich aunt died and in the will I owed her $20.
The other night, I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I've got an inflatable guy looking for me.
I came from a small town. The local hooker is a virgin.
My wife is a lousy cook. I left dental floss in the kitchen and the roaches hung themselves.
George Carlin
"Undisputed Heavyweight Champion". If its undisputed, what's all the fighting about?
"Legally Drunk". If it's legal, what's the problem? Leave my friend alone Officer. He's legally drunk!
Things you never hear: "Dad, you should drink more" or "Do what you want to the girl, but leave me alone"
Things you never see: A pimp with a low profit margin, a junkie with leisure time, a serial killer with a light-up bowtie, really interesting twins, a butterfly with a swastika design, or a bum with matching luggage.
A deaf mute carrying two large suitcases has rendered himself speechless.
Random quote from TalkBass.com
"A six string bass is like a girlfriend with real big breasts.They're kind of cool, all your friends like to look, but when you play with them they're more than you need."
